1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,640
I think everybody,
when they look in the mirror,

2
00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:06,960
has got their mirror face,
and you can see them do it.

3
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,960
They look one way,
and then they look in the mirror,

4
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:11,960
and they change their face
BEFORE they look in the mirror,

5
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:15,960
to see they face they want to see
in the mirror.

6
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:17,960
And I do that as well.

7
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,960
And then occasionally,

8
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,960
I catch myself in the mirror
BEFORE I've put the mirror face on,

9
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:27,960
and...it's generally
an unpleasant experience.

10
00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:32,960
WHIRRING

11
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:34,960
Ooh!
CLUCKING

12
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:36,960
POP

13
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:38,960
Cheep!

14
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:40,960
Woof! Woof!

15
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,960
Oink!

16
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,960
Moo!

17
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:50,640
Right, girls. Let's talk about
how you look. Who's best-looking?

18
00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:52,960
Ooh...
Julie's got lovely...

19
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:56,960
She's twice the size of Claire.
Aw...

20
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,320
Hey, thanks very much!
Julie and I have problems with hair.

21
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:02,800
Well, I'm a freak of nature.
At least you haven't got a beard.

22
00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:04,960
(ALL GIGGLE)
No, I haven't got a beard.

23
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,960
(ALL LAUGH)

24
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:09,960
I can smile.
Haven't got perfect teeth nor nowt.

25
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:13,320
I mean - my teeth's not perfect,
but I can smile.

26
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,320
With a 'tache, and that...

27
00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:17,960
I can be - sure, I can be
the life and soul of the party.

28
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,960
Ah, looks are nowt, really.

29
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:24,960
The look is very important to me,
yes.

30
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:27,960
But I don't know...I mean, you know,
I got laughing smiles,

31
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:29,960
laughing lines,
whatever you call them,

32
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:31,960
but no, not really.

33
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,960
I'm not vain
from that point of view.

34
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,960
I think it's...it's...
it's got to come from inside.

35
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,960
You know, if you feel good
about yourself,

36
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:40,960
you look good.

37
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:46,800
If you listen to your own body,

38
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,960
your body, your inner sense,

39
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,320
will tell you
what you shouldn't be eating.

40
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,480
But then...it's like bananas.

41
00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:59,960
I absolutely love bananas,

42
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,960
but my body doesn't like bananas.

43
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:07,960
I'm what I call
a funny sort of eater, really.

44
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,320
I'm the sort of eater

45
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:13,960
that sits about thinking about food
for a while,

46
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,960
and I might think about it
for a long time.

47
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,960
I might think what it is
I'd like to eat,

48
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:23,960
and then I might just go PAST
the time when I want to eat.

49
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:25,960
I sit about and think about it
a bit more,

50
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,960
and then I go off to bed.

51
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,960
The Atkins diet -
there's like bacon, sausages,

52
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:34,960
eggs, fried bread -
they call it the Atkins diet.

53
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,960
That's why they call it
the Atkins diet.

54
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,960
No, the Fatkins diet,
I think that one is.

55
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:44,960
Two days later, I come out
and then I do some scarfing.

56
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,960
I do a day's troughing
and slarfing and narfing.

57
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,960
I do a bit of scarfing.

58
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,960
And then actually, I eat a LOT.

59
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:58,000
Oh, I'm afraid I'm not anorexic.
I'm a little on the large side.

60
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,960
And...I suppose
if I could lose weight...

61
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:08,960
But then, you know, you can't make a
mouse out of a rat, can you, really?

62
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:13,000
So my physical appearance is...
I'm well covered.

63
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:16,960
Nose job.
Oh, I've got a big nose as well.

64
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:20,800
I'm afraid I...(GIGGLES)
didn't say about my nose!

65
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,960
Thanks for pointing that out,
Hannah!

66
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,960
You're supposed to be somebody,
you know...

67
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:29,320
(LAUGHS)
Yes!

68
00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:32,960
Ha, ha, ha!
I'd like my nose to be made smaller.

69
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,960
There's nothing wrong with your nose
or your face.

70
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,960
It's a very good face,

71
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,960
you've got a very good profile,

72
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:43,000
and it's a VERY GOOD FACE.

73
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,960
Thank you, Muriel.
You're my friend for life.

74
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,960
Ha, ha!
That'll cost you something later.

75
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,960
(LAUGHS)

76
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:55,960
I can curl my tongue. Look.
(MUMBLES)

77
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,960
You either can or you can't, though.
For some people it's impossible.

78
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,960
Mine curls more than yours.
What's the matter wi' mine?

79
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:04,160
Yours is half-curled!
Oh, she can.

80
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:07,960
No, he has his half-curled, Joe.
SLURPING

81
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:12,480
Mine is wrapping over. Each side
is wrapping over the other.

82
00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:13,960
It's not, it's sticking out.

83
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,960
I cannot see it, cos you've got it
stuck between your lips.

84
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,960
Push it down!
LAUGHTER

85
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,960
Well, they say if you make faces
and someone hits you in the face

86
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,960
you stay like that.

87
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,480
If something sticks out,
and doesn't make them look...

88
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,800
they'll never be popular,
the way they look,

89
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,960
I'm all in favour
of them getting plastic surgery.

90
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,960
But the ones you get it done for
sort of vanity, for vanity's sake,

91
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,480
"Oh, I want a cute little nose,

92
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,960
I want a cute little chin,
and get rid of me Adam's apple,"

93
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,960
that's just vanity.
I've got no time for that.

94
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:44,960
I mean, it's all these rich
film stars who get it.

95
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:48,960
And deep down inside,
sometimes I hope it all backfires!

96
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:52,320
Sometimes I hope they stand too
close to the fire and their face melts!

97
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:55,960
And I'd just, "Yeah,
it serves you reet!" Crackerjack!

98
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,960
Buttocks?
Botox.

99
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,960
But...Botox?
(LAUGHS)

100
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:02,960
I thought you said buttocks!

101
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:08,960
Buttocks is goot... um,
when it's large and nice and firm.

102
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,480
It's not very nice
when it's not there.

103
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:15,960
Buttocks? Long live...viva buttocks.
That's all I can say. Ha, ha.

104
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,960
The more the merrier.

105
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,960
Botox.
Botox.

106
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,960
Would you take it, though?
No, not really.

107
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,960
I don't want to straighten out
my wrinkles. Why would I want to?

108
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,960
They're straight.
I think they should give it

109
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,800
to them little Chinese dogs with the
funny faces, see what it's like.

110
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:34,960
That'd be interesting. You know
the ones with squeezed up faces?

111
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,960
I don't know what they're like. But
inject the Botox into its face.

112
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,960
Shouldn't have done it
to humans first.

113
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,960
Should have done it to dogs,
see what it looks like.

114
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,960
THEN you know if it works.
Right.

115
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:50,960
Well, actually,
I'm quite happy as I am.

116
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,960
(SNIFFS)

117
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:57,960
What about, um, liposuction?

118
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:01,160
I don't know. It's not...
it's not happening to me.

119
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,320
It's not happening to me,
or my friends.

120
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,960
I don't know. Liposuction?

121
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,960
Pff...where did it come from?
Liposuction...

122
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,960
they put the jiggle from your butt

123
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,960
into your lips! Uh!

124
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,960
Oh, that's liposuction, is it? Lips?

125
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,000
Lipo-who?

126
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,960
No, I don't need liposuction.
My lips are full enough as it is.

127
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,960
That's what I'm blessed with!

128
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,960
No, it's when the suck the um, fat
out of you.

129
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,960
I answered the question. I said
my piece. I don't know what you...

130
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,960
Liposuction is when they suck
the fat out of you, isn't it?

131
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:38,960
No, well, liposuction is all right
if...if you have to do it.

132
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,960
Why would it be all right?

133
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,960
Why would anyone want to have lips
different from what they have?

134
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:47,960
No, liposuction - I mean,
suck the fat, sucked out of you.

135
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,960
It's the same thing!
No, no! It's not the lips, man.

136
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,960
You do some lips...what's the lips?

137
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:56,960
I just seem to remember
there was a time

138
00:06:56,960 --> 00:07:01,160
when that extra bit
of cush and comfort and jiggle...

139
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:05,960
was, um, the extra-silken layer.

140
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:09,640
You know - what happened
to that association?

141
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,960
I don't really want to change. I
mean, it's a bit late now, darling.

142
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:17,960
You know, um...
I think that I look bloody good,

143
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:21,960
and I...I don't want to change.
I'm happy the way I am.

144
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:25,160
I'm sure if I put a paper bag
over the top of my head,

145
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,960
I'd look a lot better.

146
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:32,960
But I tried that. The problem is,
you just keep bumping into things.

147
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,960
OK - don't do that.
Don't ruin your life.

148
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,960
Don't look ugly in the street, OK?

149
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,960
Please. It's not nice
for the environment.

150
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,960
Die young and stay pretty.
That's what I say!

151
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,960
I think it's better to be
old and wise, to tell you the truth.

152
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:49,960
I mean, young and beautiful -
it's nice to be young and beautiful,

153
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,960
if you want that sort of life,
but...

154
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,320
I suppose it's
nice to be young and beautiful

155
00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:56,960
if you can move on
to being old and wise.

156
00:07:56,960 --> 00:08:00,640
Be young and beautiful, lose
your beauty a bit as you get older,

157
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:03,320
then become... it'd be nice to have
a bit of both, wouldn't it?

158
00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:06,000
I think everybody should have
a Geordie accent and a 'tache.

159
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,960
Even the women. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

160
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,960
But...otherwise,
just be happy with what you've got.

161
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,960
And don't look in mirrors.

162
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,960
WIND HOWLS

163
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,960
Um, I'd like some more hair.

164
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,160
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